RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

I take my wife everywhere...but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days, then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" ...The driver said "No, jump in!"

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months, I don't like to interrupt her.

The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

May you have a safe and wonderful Christmas with your family and friends.

As for me I will pick a direction and go.

CARPE DIEM

Didn't sleep well last night and this morning. Wasn't anyone or anything keeping me awake. I get into thinking early in the morning.

I figured that my current condition with my back and sciatica is the result of becoming "soft." I have been accustomed to riding 25-30 miles per day. Riding 5 miles each way is not my idea of keeping an "edge."

A lot has transpired in my life these last few months. Some good and some bad. It is time for an attitude adjustment.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.

Well, I know the things I cannot change and I know what I can change, but I don't need the wisdom to know the difference.

It is time I HAVE to make that difference. Today is the day of MY resurrection. I "cleansed" myself by riding 15.66 miles in 1:03:49 (ride day 132) on my Trek 6700 mountain bike.

That is something I haven't done since I rode 14.31 miles in 59:58 on April 27 (ride day 59).

Carpe diem.

I had to leave work early for a doctor appointment so I rode 5.36 miles in 21:07.

I rode for 21.02 miles. My first 20+ mile ride since September 8 the day after a tragic event.

Carpe diem.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIBERALS, CONSERVATIVES AND ME

Scenario:

I am walking down a deserted street with my wife and my 2 children. Suddenly, Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein come around the corner and are running at us while screaming obscenities and wielding scimitars. In my hand is a Glock .40 and I am an expert shot. I have mere seconds before they reach us. What do I do?



If I were a Liberal…
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Do they look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to them that is inspiring them to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the scimitars out of their hands?

What does the law say about this situation?

Is it possible they’d be happy with just killing me?

Do they definitely want to kill me or would they just be content to wound me?

If I were to grab their knees and hold on, could my family get away while they were stabbing me? This is all so confusing!

I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.



If I were a Conservative…

BANG!



But since I am not a Liberal or a Conservative…

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click (sounds of clip being ejected and fresh clip installed)

Wife: “Sweetheart, he looks like he’s still moving. What do you kids think?”
Son: “Mom’s right, Dad, I saw them flinch.”

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Daughter: “Nice group, Daddy! Center mass! Can we go home now?”


That’s the way I am.

Disclaimer: This scenario does not reflect my political views. Humorous purposes only. Not responsible for content.

SCIATICA

Sciatica...sounds like a name of a rock and roll band.

This morning while taking a shower I noticed my lower left leg was numb. No major cause for concern, but I am monitoring all the little aches, pains, and numbness and will see my doctor in about another week. It is time to take those soft mattress pads off the bed and sleep on a firm mattress. I have to stay active. Hiking may have to be put on hold, but maybe I can do short hikes with a lighter pack to ease back in.

I rode my bike again to work. Temperatures were not as cold as yesterday. I tried to stand up on my bike while pedaling to see how the leg would hold up. I couldn't.

I am experiencing discomfort as I sit at my desk. Relief comes when I force myself to walk around the confines of the office while looking busy at the same time.

A nice soaking in the Jacuzzi tonight is in order. Maybe a lap or two underwater in the pool may tweak me in the right way.

Refuse to yield.